The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*