The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
seems like a niche market
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.