@CM2BTTHD Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
@ginnyhogan_ The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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@CM2BTTHD 
@TheAlexNevil *I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
@bocxtop there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
@noog Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
@topaz_kell I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
@DannyZuker Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
@nattylumpo88 I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
@Tobi_Is_Fab ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
@PoblicMenace If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
@dumbbeezie Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?