@ginnyhogan_

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

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@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

@TheAlexNevil

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

@bocxtop

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

@noog

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@topaz_kell

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

@PoblicMenace

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

@dumbbeezie

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?