The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
This meal prepping shit is easy
The cake is mightier than the sword.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.