The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

You Might Also Like


Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.


*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!


there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary


Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.


I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.


Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.


Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?