The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”