The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”