The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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My Sentiments Exactly
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
So sick of all these stupid rules
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?