The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
You Might Also Like
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Coffee is ready.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”