the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.