Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.