@1followernodad

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

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@TheWeirdWorld

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

@HenpeckedHal

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

@Donna_McCoy

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@Stellacopter

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]