The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I like crazy people until they notice me
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Worst perfume name ever.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.