the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Rt to bother an English speaker