the three branches of government
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go