The three genders.
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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
the last thing a carrot sees
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys