The three genders
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[montage of me giving-up]
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
What even happened today?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
War & Peace
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn