the three genders
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.