@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

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@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@Gupton68

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

@UrAvgDegenerate

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

@Tmoney68

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@markydoodoo

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.