The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t