“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Still a very good boi….
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Lunatics are gonna loon.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…