“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.