@AnneHatfieldVO

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

@OakHill_

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

@UnFitz

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@mommajessiec

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

@DwHavoc

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

@RodLacroix

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.