The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.