The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m tired tomorrow.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.