@AlexvanBeek

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

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@subtweetopath

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

@kimtopher22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

@JediGigi

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@ElyKreimendahl

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

@colleen_eileen

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.