the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I mean…but I did
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.