The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.