The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
*jingles half the way*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
okay run it by me one more time
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’