The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.