the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Bed should get ready for ME
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
hmm conte-me mais
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”