THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.