The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
How do horror writers compete with current events?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.