“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Pandas 🐼🖤
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
it must be school picture day
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news