The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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Put a ring on it
I’m going to need a moment here.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Always…
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.