The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
#Caturday
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!