THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
…żyje?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.