The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.