The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
You Might Also Like
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
plant them where lol
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator