The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
How to find Kentucky on a map
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I can’t be the only one 😂
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Yet the one time I did, I got banned