The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
constantly working on myself.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions