The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…


Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot


TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard


Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents


Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101


I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.


PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…