@osullivanauthor Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
@slimmy_shady The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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@osullivanauthor 
@myonlymizztake Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
@fro_vo FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
@CatWorkers (Musicians.)
@TwinzerDad TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
@Grafiksein Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
@imence2 Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
@LauraBenanti I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
@smilely_gal Attention children:
Mom is closed.
@thetits PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…