The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else