The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*