the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets