The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
So many pants.
So little yoga.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation