@rad_milk DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
@hipchkk The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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@rad_milk 
@danisbadatthis Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
@NewDadNotes [married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
@Jamberee13 Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
@sonictyrant Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
@Donna_McCoy Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
@SketchesbyBoze Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
@FattMernandez I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
@slimmy_shady Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
@gogglepossum [1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*