The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

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…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”


Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.


GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.


My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.


Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.


Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.


Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.


What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?


I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…