The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!


Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent


Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace


Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.


Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!


I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.


Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐


[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*