The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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life finds a way
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Yup!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.