The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT