the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times