the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
who wants to go expliring
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader