The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation


Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997


Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.


6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*


Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.


My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!


Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*