@amydillon 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
@Jared_VanL The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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@amydillon 
@MichaelJErhart “Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
@dafloydsta 1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
@ericsshadow Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
@nthonyswan Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
@QwertyJones3 6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
@sleepyassboy Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
@momofcritters My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
@UncleDuke1969 some things should go without saying
@UnFitz Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*