The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy