@Jared_VanL

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

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@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@nthonyswan

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

@QwertyJones3

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

@sleepyassboy

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

@momofcritters

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

@UnFitz

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*