the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
fly smarter, not harder
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.