The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
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*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze