Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.