The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.