The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.