The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
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You can’t outrun your problems…
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Happens to everyone.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.