the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.